Billy Blanks is trying to kill me....
and I'm letting him in the door.
So, thanks to my growing concern over the shape that I'm in...round...I've decided to start eating better, not drinking so much beer, and trying to work out a little bit. I've also started drinking more and more water everyday, but still dont' sleep a whole lot...Rhome, TX was not built in a day.
So all the basic ingredients of weight loss...eat right, drink lots of water, exercise, and get plenty of rest...almost all...plus the desire to slim down; and you have got a man on a mission. So here I go! Time warp, back about 6 months ago, I'm lying in bed and thinking to myself, "Self, you are getting really fat and you need to lose some weight!" It just so happened I'm awake at some point in the night, and there are infomericals on...Billy f'in Blanks...and Billy is Boot Campin' himself and a bunch of women straining to keep smiles on their faces right in to faboulous shape. I mean the pictures don't lie...the results are there. I'm thinking, "this I can do...it's not weights, it's not pilates, this is a big damn man and I can do this."
So I ordered the tapes, they came in a couple of weeks later, and one of the three still has the plastic on it. Anyway, I guess I lost my late night inspiration for a few inches to the waist line, and I left Billy just lying around...I think he started to put on some weight living in this house without working out.
Back to now...So recently I have decided that I've put on way too much weight and I need to work some of this shit off. Turns out sitting around, drinking beer, and strumming guitars does not burn a whole lot of calories...my diet plan didn't work...you won't see me on late night/early morning informercials! I pulled old Billy Blanks out the box, and popped him in the DVD player...and then I sat there and laughed, and laughed some more, and then I just grabbed me a beer and sat on the couch and watched. "There a'int no way I'm going to be caught dead doing that shit and counting Billy!" I just a'int doing it! Another 1/2 inch or so, and I pulled old Billy back out. "I can do this!!!" but no, I just stood in my living room, decked out in my workout clothes, and thinking, "What if someone saw me???"
A few days ago my fat pants quit fitting...that a'int funny. Last night I pulled Billy out..."This is your last chance Billy...don't make me go Chuck Norris on your ass!" Although it took me a few minutes, I started doing what the Billy was a doing...then a few minutes later I started sweating...a few more minutes and I can feel the burn that he's talking about...
For those of you who are sitting there picturing me doing this and laughing, hey man, do a couple of minutes of this tape in my shoes...I bet you're breathing too damn hard to laugh...
Anyway, so I tell my out-of-shape self, "out-of-shape self, you're going to make it at least 30 minutes!" and I did! I might have slowed down a little, or missed a rep or two, but for the most part I did it...and then I quit...at 30 minutes and .2322132 seconds. Walked around a bit, drank a little water, wiped my forehead, you know...post-exercise stuff. Then I got that feeling. You know that feeling after a good workout, or run, etc. where you feel like you can do one more set, or run one more lap...yep I got it...and then it went away...and I stood (slumped) there in my kitchen...wishing I could muster up the strength to lift the glass of water to my face, or atleast find a straw. Yep, Billy Blanks had kicked me square in the you-are-one-out-of-shape-little-butterball button. And so we get to this today...Billy Blanks was trying to kill me. I just finished my second night of half an hour with Billy Blanks...and yep...he definitely wants me in the best shape of my life...or he wants someone to find me lying face first on the living room floor, tied up with my own with Billy Bands. I think I'm going to make it...if you drink you a little Canadian Mist and Water you feel better, and you write a horrible blog. That's what I always say!
Anyway, good night to you all...I'm going to roll (literally, I can't walk) into the living room and watch some Billy Blanks.
So, thanks to my growing concern over the shape that I'm in...round...I've decided to start eating better, not drinking so much beer, and trying to work out a little bit. I've also started drinking more and more water everyday, but still dont' sleep a whole lot...Rhome, TX was not built in a day.
So all the basic ingredients of weight loss...eat right, drink lots of water, exercise, and get plenty of rest...almost all...plus the desire to slim down; and you have got a man on a mission. So here I go! Time warp, back about 6 months ago, I'm lying in bed and thinking to myself, "Self, you are getting really fat and you need to lose some weight!" It just so happened I'm awake at some point in the night, and there are infomericals on...Billy f'in Blanks...and Billy is Boot Campin' himself and a bunch of women straining to keep smiles on their faces right in to faboulous shape. I mean the pictures don't lie...the results are there. I'm thinking, "this I can do...it's not weights, it's not pilates, this is a big damn man and I can do this."
So I ordered the tapes, they came in a couple of weeks later, and one of the three still has the plastic on it. Anyway, I guess I lost my late night inspiration for a few inches to the waist line, and I left Billy just lying around...I think he started to put on some weight living in this house without working out.
Back to now...So recently I have decided that I've put on way too much weight and I need to work some of this shit off. Turns out sitting around, drinking beer, and strumming guitars does not burn a whole lot of calories...my diet plan didn't work...you won't see me on late night/early morning informercials! I pulled old Billy Blanks out the box, and popped him in the DVD player...and then I sat there and laughed, and laughed some more, and then I just grabbed me a beer and sat on the couch and watched. "There a'int no way I'm going to be caught dead doing that shit and counting Billy!" I just a'int doing it! Another 1/2 inch or so, and I pulled old Billy back out. "I can do this!!!" but no, I just stood in my living room, decked out in my workout clothes, and thinking, "What if someone saw me???"
A few days ago my fat pants quit fitting...that a'int funny. Last night I pulled Billy out..."This is your last chance Billy...don't make me go Chuck Norris on your ass!" Although it took me a few minutes, I started doing what the Billy was a doing...then a few minutes later I started sweating...a few more minutes and I can feel the burn that he's talking about...
For those of you who are sitting there picturing me doing this and laughing, hey man, do a couple of minutes of this tape in my shoes...I bet you're breathing too damn hard to laugh...
Anyway, so I tell my out-of-shape self, "out-of-shape self, you're going to make it at least 30 minutes!" and I did! I might have slowed down a little, or missed a rep or two, but for the most part I did it...and then I quit...at 30 minutes and .2322132 seconds. Walked around a bit, drank a little water, wiped my forehead, you know...post-exercise stuff. Then I got that feeling. You know that feeling after a good workout, or run, etc. where you feel like you can do one more set, or run one more lap...yep I got it...and then it went away...and I stood (slumped) there in my kitchen...wishing I could muster up the strength to lift the glass of water to my face, or atleast find a straw. Yep, Billy Blanks had kicked me square in the you-are-one-out-of-shape-little-butterball button. And so we get to this today...Billy Blanks was trying to kill me. I just finished my second night of half an hour with Billy Blanks...and yep...he definitely wants me in the best shape of my life...or he wants someone to find me lying face first on the living room floor, tied up with my own with Billy Bands. I think I'm going to make it...if you drink you a little Canadian Mist and Water you feel better, and you write a horrible blog. That's what I always say!
Anyway, good night to you all...I'm going to roll (literally, I can't walk) into the living room and watch some Billy Blanks.
posted by Michael Wren at 4:55 PM
2 Comments:
Wow, seriously funny post! I've been there... one week I give up good food so I don't have to exercise, the next I exercise so I don't have to give up the food. I don't want to tell how many tapes I have still left in their wrappers.
If you ever want to kick Billy Blank's ass (or Sara Lee's) give me a call (of course they could probably out run us).
I tried his videos during the inital craze. They were ok, but I just felt like a jerk doing them. I still have them collecting dust!
Great story!
JTL
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