Whose fault it is....

Disclaimer: I have been feeling a little delusional lately

I got measured for my good buddy John’s wedding next month…turns out I’m going to be in the wedding and that I’m even bigger around than I thought I was. Now I’m on fire to go on a diet and really crank up the exercise program, but I can’t…you see then my tux wouldn’t fit and I’d ruin the whole wedding. I’d be standing up there…the pants would fall off…the women would faint…the men would cry…so I just can’t be exercising. Of course I can’t consume more daily than I have of late (as if that is freaking possible) because then the tux would be too small…guess I’m going to have to watch my figure! Therefore its John’s fault that I can’t lose weight!

Or!

I had a conversation with another one of my friend’s recently. We were talking about getting older and more out of shape and stuff…and how everyone seems to be packing it on. Anyway, the conversation turned to eating out, and how it’s a common misconception that you have to eat everything on the plate at a restaurant. His comment was something like, “The restaurants don’t know how much you need to eat, you shouldn’t eat it all” Which goes against the idea of getting your money’s worth, or more importantly your Mother’s demands of cleaning your plate before you can go out to play.

Ah, so we can’t blame it on the restaurant because they can’t know each and every patron, but we can blame it on our Mother! Mother knows best, and mother says clean your plate or you can’t go out and play. Maybe we do blame it on the restaurants for taking advantage of our mother’s philosophy to fatten us all up.

I have to get off subject here for a second…Do any of you guys remember having to wait thirty minutes after you ate to go swimming? I had to do this…I hated it…I love the water and I’d have rather swam than ate. But no, I had to go eat and make sure I cleaned my whole plate and then wait thirty minutes before I got back in the water! Turns out that is just an old wives tale, and kids these days can just eat and go. Bullshit! I feel as though I have been cheated out of days of my life! Days??? Maybe weeks…maybe months! I was cheated!

So anyway, I’m trying to figure out whose fault it is that I’m in this current shape…is it John? Is it my Mother? Is it an evil ploy by Taqueria Jalisco.

Then someone suggested that I may be in this shape due to the amount of beer I drink…Not So Fast. That if I were to quit drinking I’d automatically be in better shape. Well, I believe that you can do anything in moderation…but due to the fact that my Mother always taught me to clean my plate, and that the restaurants put so much food on the plate, I now eat more…and eating more causes me to have to drink more…due to extra weight as well as having stuff in my stomach to absorb the alcohol. We all know that if you don’t eat, you can’t drink as much. So it can’t be the beer’s fault, because even though alcohol is fattening, if it weren’t for the food I wouldn’t drink near as much.

I guess we can point fingers at who we may, but at the bottom line we have to blame it on Mom…who made me wait thirty minutes before I swam (and therefore waited thirty minutes before I could burn calories) and made sure I cleaned my plate (before I could go play and burn more calories).

Of course I jest. I know its not my mother’s fault that I’m fattening up. There is only one man to blame…one man who is over consumptive…one man who seems to be more and more sedentary…one man….yep, you guessed it…its still John’s fault!